“Every man wakes up one fine morning with a wife and kids. ‘Where’d they come from? They weren’t there last time I looked!’ That’s ‘cause most things in life, good and bad, just kinda happen to ya.” -Uncle Pat, Cocktail, 1988
Truer words have never been spoken. With all due respect to Marcus Aurelius, Winston Churchill, and even Bill Shakespeare himself, this line by Uncle Pat tops them all. Let’s call it a realization of, well, reality. A…sort of…coming to terms with our current condition. One day we all woke up and the first thought to cross our mind was, “When the hell did my back start hurting so bad?”
Then, after realizing it had been several DECADES since we were in high school, we cracked open our eyelids to see the love of our life lying next to us as gracefully and beautifully as the day we met. We started to wonder if we had actually awoken or if we were still trapped blissfully in a dream.
And then she farted. Not a cute fart. Not an “oops it sweetly slipped out” fart. She farted a big, nasty, messy fart. And about the time she pulled the covers over our head and started laughing hysterically (because, for some reason, asphyxiation via methane was quite humorous to her), we were hit squarely in the nuts with a diving elbow drop delivered with glees of joy from our four year old.
WELCOME TO FAMILY LIFE!
Yes, Uncle Pat was right, it just kind of happened to us. And I’d bet for most the men reading this, you wouldn’t trade it for the world. I know I sure wouldn’t. It’s probably nothing like you imagined, but weirdly better than you could have made it had you been in total control of the situation. Even so, it still has its “challenges” and “difficulties.”
And that’s what I’m here for, to help you navigate those “challenges (spousal hotboxes)” and “difficulties (toddler testicular assaults).” It’s how we deal with these, and a myriad of other less-dangerous situations we find thrust upon us (work, health, finances, etc.), that will determine our own success and happiness as family men.
I may not always give you THE best advice, but I can promise it’ll always be MY best advice. And that’s saying something; because there’s not much I haven’t seen or at least heard about.
So, just remember, when it comes to your early morning routine…
Fart first and always sleep on your stomach after 5:00 A.M.